Some Tips for New Mediators

By: Lindsay Kertland |LL.B, LL.M, AccFM |Mediator, Parenting Coordinator

Being the “new kid” has historically been challenging, whether it’s at a new school, a new job, or moving to a new town with your kids and having to navigate a whole set of new parents. The “new kid” theme has fuelled novels and movies and comedies since time immemorial, capitalizing on that all too familiar discomfited feeling of not quite being sure how you fit in here. And that bundle of nerves swirling around inside your body making you feel like you can barely stand up straight?  Yes, that can terrorize the new mediator as well!  I believe we call it imposter syndrome. But I’ve got news for you: you got this!  Here are a few tips for new mediators as you launch yourself into this new dimension of your career and get ready for that first solo mediation:

1.     Remind yourself: you are a professional, you are educated, you’ve done your mediator training and you are accredited.  Congratulations! You have worked hard for this and you are ready.  This is how everyone started out; with their first mediation!

2.     Preparation = Confidence. Practice your opening, know the information on the clients’ intake forms – how many kids? Know their names and ages.  You might be nervous and feel like you don’t know anything, but I guarantee you they are more nervous and know even less.  You actually ARE the expert here.

3.     Set the stage. If you are on Zoom, position your screen and camera so that the clients see you face-on. You need to be able to connect with them, and that side view from your other screen is not effective.  If in person, know where you will seat everyone so that there is a feeling of safety for everyone and no perceived bias.

4.     You do you. You are bringing your unique personality to the table, bolstered by your professional background, which, news flash, does not have to be law. You have watched numerous other mediators during your mediator training and you noticed how different everyone is in their style.  Now you get to do your style.

5.     Active listening. Active listening. Active listening. Engage. Hear them, and let them know they are being heard.

6.     Structure and flow. Have structure, have your format ready, know your process. But at the same time, be open to changing direction and going with the flow. You can use reframing to get everyone back on track.

7.     Showing up is a win. If there are no agreements, that it is not a failed mediation.  There is always a gain, always a take-away – maybe the parties now have more clarity on each other’s positions, or perhaps they have a better understanding of their readiness.  Just having a conversation is a positive step.

I wish to thank Kingsley McCart, a colleague and IRC at Toronto Family Mediation Services, for engaging me in the lively conversation that inspired this article. Kingsley is a brand new accredited mediator about to take the leap.

Lindsay Kertland is a long-time mediator with TFMS. She can also be contacted for private mediation at https://summerhillfamilymediation.com/services/